What the Duck? Just One Step Away . . .
OK, I’ll admit it. The title is a thinly-disguised excuse for me to post this pic of a duck I got a couple of weeks ago. Although it looks like he was about to do a Bruce Lee on another duck, he was actually just about to scratch his ear (or whatever a duck rubbing the side of his head means).
But, seriously, what in the actual ever-loving fuck is going on in the UK?
So, picture this. You’re perusing 𝕏 and someone complains that the then Home Secretary shouldn’t refer to the pro-Hamas pro-Palestine protests as “hate marches” and that if she went on to describe them as antisemitic1 he would sue.
You take exception to this and write a response
One step away from storming Heathrow looking for Jewish arrivals . . .
Now, I’ve read this tweet forwards, backwards, diagonally, and in random word order, and I’m having difficulty turning it into a crime.
This was an actual tweet written by a retired Special Constable, Julian Foulkes, who had worked, voluntarily and for no pay, with the police in this capacity for 10 years. He was 71 years old.
Can you guess what happened next? Can you?
Let’s see if you’re right.
Bingo! Six, six, polices officers turned up - armed with the usual panoply of protective gear and the like - and arrested the guy. It happened in Kent back in 2023, but I’ve only just heard about it as it’s been in the Nooz.
The bodycam footage also revealed our pitiful and pathetic plod to have an issue with people holding pro-Brexit views. They searched this guy’s house and, shock, horror, found him to possess some “Brexity” books. Oh Lord, off to Belmarsh immediately - shame that the Tower and beheadings are no longer a thing!
We can’t really blame two-tier two-face robot-idiot Starmer for this one, but nothing has really changed, and indeed it’s got worse, because that wazzock has been having judicial orgasm after orgasm as he locks up all sorts of people for mildly offensive tweets.
But let’s be fair to our police. Maybe I’ve been too harsh.
Perhaps Mr Foulkes was guilty of writing a loud tweet in a built up area2.
But he could have been wearing a vest lined with offensive tweets that was primed to go off with just the touch of a button. I shudder to think what might have happened had all those tweets been released into the wild.
At the time of his arrest Mr Foulkes’ tweet had been viewed by a staggering number of people. All 26 of them have now had their entire brains re-programmed as a result and have been seen marching down the street doing Hitler Musk salutes.
Those brave police officers put their lives and sanity on the line to defend our way of life - they could have been hit in the face with a really dangerous tweet that sent them over the edge into unspeakable right-wing extremism. We can’t have folk in the UK actually having an opinion on anything. now, can we?
You are clearly not allowed, these days, to carry a dangerous and offensive tweet in public.
Knife crime? Pah! A mere triviality I tell you. Grooming gangs? A totally insignificant and acceptable inconvenience that is far outweighed by the overwhelming benefits of cultural enrichment. We have an epidemic, an epidemic of unimaginable proportions, of really dangerous tweets. They mutate faster than a covid variant and even masks don’t work. Our brave police force are vainly struggling against the tide, trying to keep us safe as we’re lured away from Netflix and porn and into the murky world of extreme right-wing tweetfare.
Left-wing or ‘woke’ tweetfare is good for you. You can post all sorts of calumny and aggression and vitriolic bile against the right people, like Jews, for example, or white people, or the rising TERF army, and that’s a good thing, apparently. Heck, instead of PC Dickwad turning up mob-handed with 5 of his mates armed with batons and pepper spray, the Chief Constable would probably give you an award.
And being pro-Brexit? You’re definitely on the spish list and need a very careful eye kept firmly on you.
If only we could keep these dangerous tweets under control, the UK would be a paradise, a Utopia of Utopias where we’d all be gathered round the campfire singing Kumbaya and bedecked with rainbows. Once we’ve sorted our tweet problem out what would we even need the police for, eh?
Tweets need to be captured and kept under control - but they’re devilish buggers that move quickly. You have to move pretty sharply, and it helps if you’re not one of those awful right-wing Muggles. Only those fully attuned to the magic world of woke stand any chance of saving us all from the words that cannot be spoken.
Words, as we know, are actual violence, and our NHS is simply overwhelmed with having to deal with an appalling rise in tweet injuries. Our A&E departments just can’t cope - it’s like covid, but real this time.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all if it were found that tweets even cause a rise in global warming!
They have a kind of magic, see. They are powerful incantations that draw you in and negate the reader’s capability to simply ignore them. All reason, sanity and wit are wholly undermined by these bastard things. The government really needs to issue a Handbook of Approved Phrases before things get much worse.
On the other hand (and where would we be without a soupçon of conspiratorial thinking?) if you wanted to ‘cool’ the rhetoric down (but only in certain approved directions), and you had the power to do so, what might you do?
Well, you might indulge in a few really egregious and inexplicable arrests that no-one understands and for which you have to subsequently issue profuse apologies. The more egregious the better, because then the meeja might pick up on it and it becomes widely publicized. Normal people then think twice before posting any opinion on what’s happening in the country in case PC Adolf turns up with official backing from Chief Constable Mao (a somewhat mixed political metaphor, I agree).
If that’s not enough then you chuck people in jail (after releasing a horde of violent criminals to free up some space) for getting a bit spicy online.
Neat strategy perhaps?
We’re certainly just “one step away”, but from what?
Let’s hope it’s not just one goosestep away.
“It’s not all Jews we hate, just those nasty Zionist ones - and especially the ones living in Israel. If only all Jews could behave themselves in the way we want them to, think in the way we want, we wouldn’t have a problem. How can that possibly be antisemitic?”
If you saw a re-tweet of something could you then be prosecuted for receiving stolen tweets?
RR: "Heck, instead of PC Dickwad turning up mob-handed with 5 of his mates armed with batons and pepper spray, the Chief Constable would probably give you an award."
Almost enough to get one to vote in favor of defunding the police ... 😉🙂
Bur speaking of Starmer, you might be amused by this article in, of all places, the Washington Post on the UK Supreme Court ruling on that age-old question, "what is a woman?"
WP: "In the days since the ruling, leaders have executed screeching U-turns. Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who had declared that “trans women are women,” called it “a welcome step forward” for “real clarity.” "
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2025/05/11/britain-transgender-court-ruling/
Archive link: https://archive.ph/2025.05.12-032529/https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2025/05/11/britain-transgender-court-ruling/
Hard not to see that "trans women are women" as a real-world (?) case that tops Orwell's "2+2=5". Nice to see that at least your Supreme Court has put a wooden stake, and silver bullet through the heart of that Frankensteinian monstrosity.
I appreciate your usual pisstaking style Professor, because what else do we have except mockery in the face of
such grotesque malfeasance by the agents of the state (see also Allison Pearson's visit from the plod, the people who complained about their school, also arrested by 6 cops and no doubt others).
This is monstrous, infuriating shit, and I'm not even British. I do however, have close connections to the UK. My wife is an Essex Girl (I know, I know 🙄) my family are from Somerset, and I'm related to Harry Patch, the last surviving Tommy from WWI. My Grandfather travelled all the way from Australia in 1916 to fight in those same trenches for two years while 2500 men from his battalion were slaughtered around him.
And now I'm actually dismayed that he went through all that, so that Starmer and his clown car of tyrannical imbeciles can stomp their dainty little feet on the faces of the great people of Britain. I shudder to think of the oaths that that fierce old man (fuck me he was a Tartar who had a way with words) would have uttered, if he could see what has happened to the country he suffered so much to defend.
I don't think Starmer has any idea about how he and his cabal of arse-licking toadies are viewed by the rest of the world as they refuse to investigate the muslim rape gangs while jailing people every day for mean tweets. "That dog whistle, that little trumpet", as one minister recently referred to thousand of British girls tortured, raped and eaten, FFS!
The country that created Western liberal democracy is now an international exemplar of What Not to Do. It will never regain its moral authority. When the UK government criticises Putin or whoever innthe future for some atrocity, they'll simply reply with "Piss off. Unlike you, we don't allow our girls to raped in their thousands by foreign savages". And they'd have a point.
It's a fucking shame, and I could weep from the frustration I feel.