The Far-Riots and Other Fake News

Here in the UK we’re all immeasurably grateful that our Prime Minister, the Right Moronable Sir Two-Tier Keir Starmer, is looking after us. We have learned this week he’s going to be introducing measures to stop people smoking, outside, at pubs. This is hot on the heels of his vigorous clamp down on people who were smoking hotels.

If this measure proves successful he will extend it to a ban on smoking salmon.

He’s been defending his stance on immigration. We need all of those highly-skilled immigrants to make our country grating again. After all, who else is going to give us a cheap haircut, or deliver those Amazon parcels? All are welcome, except those who smoke.

Those who don’t know how to cut hair or make a kebab can apply for a government training scheme where they’ll be put up in a hotel (non-smoking) until they can learn a useful trade.

And the people making a channel crossing in dinghies? That’s because all the Ryan Hair flights were fully booked and so the government offered the option of getting into the UK another way.

On energy he’s been killing it, along with pensioners in a few months. He’s scrapped the winter fuel supplement for the elderly - those dinghies and hotels cost a lot of money you know. It’s nice to see someone back in charge who can get their priorities right

Interestingly, Sir Two-Tier had legislation passed in 2013, unique to him, that allowed him considerable tax advantages on his pension. When this was brought to light he did the Starm Smarm and thanked everyone for bringing it to light because he’d forgotten all about it and said he would scrap the legislation.

Meanwhile, in the disunited states of America we have learned that the soon-to-be joyful cackle-in chief, Kamala Harris, used to have a summer job at MacDonalds.

Her role was in customer servicing where she was responsible for all those Happy Ending Meals.

She did like it when Big Mac came in - his sauce was, I am told, delicious.

Her colleagues affectionately referred to her as The Order Czar¹.

Kamala’s running mate, Tim Walz, is refusing to censor himself, despite intimating that disinformation is not protected under the First Amendment. He did serve in the military in Italy, which has the same first letter as Iraq, so it’s close enough. He has since blamed the confusion over his service record on his poor grammar.

It’s easy to see how “I served in Iraq” could be mistaken for “I was nowhere near Iraq”.

It’s truth, Tim, but not as we know it.

The Tim and Kammie show had its first airing on a mainstream news platform this week. When asked whether she regretted lying (the technical non-judgmental term used was ‘hiding’) about the current (sharp as a) Tack-in Chief her answer was a resounding NO.

“I’d let him sniff my hair once a week” Kammie is alleged to have told reporters later “and he seemed happy with that. I never did understand why, or understand anything else he’s said over the last 4 years, but I have many fondled memories”.

Personally, I think those reporters are lying.

Afghanistan, like its womenfolk, has been taking a bit of a battering this week for imposing strict dress codes, and silence, on women. “We don’t want to see you, or hear you” said Imam al-Bonkers. In response, the Afghan government has sponsored a celebration of Afghan fashion in Australia this week in an attempt to bolster its international image. It was hard to choose which was the best new design on display. The models lined up outside to give us all a sneak preview.

The women all assured us they were smiling and had had their hair beautifully styled.

Meanwhile in the UK we’re dismantling all sorts of cultural impediments. Like folk music. On Matt Goodwin’s Stack you can learn all about 10 fantastic things the UK taxpayer is paying for. Here’s just one

I’m outraged. I think the winter fuel payment is about £500, give or take, so that’s about 3,000 frozen pensioners’ worth. Those 3,000 pensioner popsicles should have been iced to pay for a whole 4 and a half hours’ worth of hotel accommodation (non-smoking) for migrants.

That’s nearly £3 billion a year (and what’s the betting that doesn’t reflect the true cost?) or, in other words, around 5.8 million frozen pensioners.

Didn’t they all die of covid anyway?

In happier news the Gallagher brothers, founder members of Oasis, have stopped looking back in anger and reconciled with one another. For an estimated £50 million, I think I could make a decent stab of getting along with anyone.

I’m hoping that the UK Police understand my words here. A decent stab is not meant to be taken literally. If I’m arrested for a hate crime, even if it’s a non-crime, then I hope I can be forgiven.

In order to combat the rise in people commenting about actual stabbings in the UK, the two-tiered muppet is going to bring back the concept of a “non-crime hate incident”. The police will investigate you for not committing a crime - and you will, presumably, have a non-criminal record which will affect your chances of employment if someone does a detailed background check.

It’s an awful two-tier system we’re living under. You can, at the moment, commit the heinous crime of offensive accordion playing at a folk festival, and you won’t even get a non-criminal record, let alone a criminal one. This is why we need research into dangerous folk music practices so that we can put this right.

Thank God I don’t live in Germany, though. If you don’t think this is an entirely common and natural example of Female Pattern Baldness, you can be fined up to a quarter of a million Euros. Of course it’s a woman - you fools. What are you, blind?

The truth is that this once-beautiful German woman went to the wrong kind of hairdresser. You can see why we need so many immigrants now, cant you?

1. Thanks to a Twitter𝕏 user for that one