I apologize for not being aware of this sooner. I’ve been tucked away somewhat and oblivious to the swelling outrage. I can’t say I’m standing proud about it, because I really ought to be more aware of these issues that can poke you in the eye when you’re not looking.
When I first read about it, I was fairly bulging with astonishment.
It seems that in honour of Fetish Pride Month, Target have marketed a range of something called “tuck friendly swimwear”.
I misread it initially and thought that Target were helping out the former Fox presenter with a range of Tucker friendly swimwear, but it seemed like an odd choice of product to achieve this.
The designer, purported1 to be a non-binary individual who identifies as a cow (pronouns Moo/Moo-er), one Dairy Lee-Triangle, had this to say about it :
It’s not just for trans individuals. For too long, men have been parading around beaches and pools looking like they have a cheese triangle in their pants and so it’s time we addressed this unsightly issue. Even worse, they often wear Speedos.
Alex Stein went to Target to try one on.
I don’t think Alex has quite mastered the tucking technique yet, but he seemed to like it.
Because it has extra crotch coverage, it’s even helpful for those who don’t indulge in pubic topiary. Those with an over lush bush can buy one to keep the shag pile under control.
Dairy, one of the co-founders of The Groin Management Consortium, has ambitious plans for the future
Obviously, this is just the first thrust in what promises to be a revolution in groin management and apparel. We’re working on a range for trans individuals who also suffer from autogynephilia. Misogyny and patriarchy have meant that this important women’s problem has not been covered. Ladies; we’re going to add in a little extra stiffness for those times when you have a little extra stiffness. Rest assured, we’re helping all of Target’s members with our products.
Unfortunately for Target, it seems that their customers weren’t so cock-a-hoop about it and stocks have shown a flaccid performance since the product launch.
It’s all just premature speculation, Dairy went on to say when questioned about the lack of arousal shown by the public.
Target denied that this was aimed at kids. Sizes range from XXS to 4X and so accommodate men who come in all sizes. With the 4X size, for example, men who, for once in their lives, wish to be seen as beautiful can now tuck themselves neatly into the advantages enjoyed by the women of the body positivity movement. With this product they can instantaneously transform themselves into an object of beauty and desire by the simple expedient of packing their package discreetly away.
So far the product is only available as a one piece aimed at those who occasionally want to hide their one piece away.
Dairy is passionate about the issue and is visibly excited to be a part of Team Target :
We’ve been beating our sticks over this for far too long. Target have firmly grasped hold of it and are taking the issue of groin management seriously. I’m convinced that despite disappointing initial projections, Target will snatch victory.
And so, dear reader, with an apology for this tongue in cheek (cock in pocket?) and juvenile ‘reporting’, I will leave you to ponder and perhaps to peer more deeply into the cleft of chaos that is our modern world.
My mate at the pub told me all of this - so it has to be true.
Bathe in the nuddy, like normal people.
When I grew up, kids under age six or so didn't wear anything on the beach anyway. Then we got the anglo-american-latin mind virus that naked human bodies are shameful. I can even remember when bath-houses didn't have separate saunas for men and women.
Of course, in those days a kiddie-diddler would be beat up by parents, then police, then sent to prison for further mastication before winding up as a permanent resident in an insane asylum (swedish law at the time didn't have life in prison for such crimes, so instead peados were put in asylums, because the law governing that didn't have a time-limit on timespent behind the walls and the barbed wire).
That's something to tell the young'uns when they ask if we had open looting, stabbings and so on back in the day:
"No because criminals what did such were either killed or put away for as long as possible"
Dead criminals commit no crimes.
The whole thing is a giant cluster tuck.
From behind those of us with sizeable family jewels must look like our haemorrhoids are about to explode. I dont know if thats true as I have never tucked my parts behind to see what it looks like even when drunk with my girlfriend that one time when she asked me to...... honestly.