Well, in that case . . .

It’s nearly the most wonderful time of the year in the words of a famous Christmas song and I’ve been busy opening those windows on my advent calendar

But, once again, we’re facing a winter of death and carnage for people who remain vaccine hesitant about the hesitant words of the vaccine President, who said “we should all just get, uh, you know, uh, the thing”

Last year’s “winter of death for the unvaccinated”, was so bad that there just aren’t any unvaccinated people left in the US. The latest CDC stats showed they all died, horribly, and sometimes twice, of covi-omni-ebo-flu, and that if you take the new, even better Goo, it’s 3,567% effective at protecting Pfizer against penury. Except if you’re a mouse. If you’re a mouse, you’re fucked. It’s been nice knowing you.

And so, once again, we wish all our friends in the US a very Merry Carditis.

But it’s not all bad. If you’re white, you can help things along by not being vaccinated. Do everyone a favour and bring that “end date” that much closer. We definitely have to do something to take you mothafuckers out

If the end date she’s talking about occurs after the end date of her lunches, you non-melanated folk have probably not got much to worry about.

This Rutgers professor deserves our thanks and several people have suggested we should send her a Christmas present to show our appreciation

But we also have to grapple with the increasing trend of Mikeness.

Mike supremacy and Mike privilege are on the rise and action must be taken now to combat these pernicious systemic systems of Mikeness that oppress us.

The Discovery Channel are obviously using the old definition of “expert”. Just as racism is now known (after extensive research and the development of several sophisticated models) to be described by the equation

racism = power + prejudice

we now know, after applying the same exhaustive modelling, that

acceptable expert = melanin + expertise¹

Sharks were, also, understandably upset by the programme. The leader of Shark Lives Matter, Jaws McRazor-Teeth, said that portraying sharks as dangerous was pandering to outdated stereotypes, and urged every parent to buy their kids a shark this Christmas. “They make great bath playmates” he said in a later statement.

In the UK, the beleaguered charity for trans kids, Mermaids, is struggling again. Their CEO, Susie Green, has been ousted from her role. This follows the sacking of Professor Nonce McNonce earlier this year from his position on the board of trustees². Staff are fuming because there's just nowhere safe enough in their offices to read the report that was commissioned

A spokescake (a cake-gendered trans eunuch) for the charity, Dr Snippy McTeetYeet explained the difficulty; “unfortunately, the report was released on our annual ‘bring your chainsaws to work’ day”.

Once again demonstrating the power of the collective intelligence of Twitter a clever solution was suggested

This suggestion of utilising the well-known protective bubble that automatically transforms the space around a drag queen into a ‘safe space’ was pure genius³.

I feel a bit sorry for Mermaids - they seemed so optimistic at the end of November and were asking for budding artists⁴ to submit artwork for “trans joy 2023” - but that didn't go too well for them either

It’s so very hard to understand why this didn’t go quite as well as planned. I’m absolutely baffled.

2023 promises to be even more joyful as governments across the world continue to see their indentured servants citizens as disease and carbon spewing problems to be crushed and regulated. Horsey McHorseFace of New Zealand continues to be the poster girl for this grating ‘reset’

When they’re not out arresting people for calling others a muppet, the police hone their skills at shooting ranges (picture courtesy of BLM)

And so, I enter this joyful festive period with renewed optimism that next year will prove to be an even snarkier one.

1. As long as they’re not called Mike. We definitely need to stop giving Mikes a voice.

2. Which has now been renamed as the board of not very trustee at all.

3. Payment for this service in $10 bills inserted into the thong

4. Presumably only those AMAB on oestrogen need apply