After watching yet another TikTok classic where someone explains their neo-pronouns to me (this time the fairly boring fae/faer ones) I felt I needed some help. The one actually interesting thing this TikTok entity said was to look for a “neo-pronoun conjugation manual”. So I did.
I wondered for a while what a paragraph in 2050 would look like and how intelligible it would be. Not to mention how long it would take to read because of the constant referral to the conjugation manual for some new pronoun. You know how it goes? By the time all the Xe’s and Xer’s, and Ding’s and Dong’s and Fae’s and Faer’s have become oh so passé we know they’ll have to keep inventing new ones to keep on being special.
I know language changes, but usually it’s to make it more intelligible1. When I first started my great journey of discovery, when I first learned about this whole brave new world of “social justice” back in 2016, one of the first things that struck me was the sheer number of new terms and concepts that, somehow (I know not how), I had managed to survive without for several decades.
I had, I was told, a list of privileges as long as a neo-pronoun conjugation manual. I had to be careful in case I triggered someone with some appalling microaggression, and I was advised to make myself familiar with the nearest safe-space I could take my victim to, to get the necessary counselling after their trauma of interacting with me. I learned that my own emotional labour was nothing, nothing, to the centuries of oppression others had endured. I was irredeemably infused with whiteness, and patriarchal oppression juice was positively oozing out of every patriarchal pore. There was nothing I could do about it except do the work and be an ally as I was told, in the strictest terms, to become anti this and anti that and Aunty Tom Cobley and all.
The anger expressed by students, often at the most exclusive and prestigious institutes of learning, was palpable. Oh, how I wept for them as Zhey struggled for Xir very existence against the rising tide of oppression Faer faced as Zhe Cakeselves bravely battled against microaggression after microaggression.
I allied away as best as I was able - and even supported the cause by buying such classics as the following for all my friends and family as a Christmas present.
What more could I do?
I could be part of the change I wanted to see and to help others understand this new and exciting world. I’ve decided to start with gender terminology and produce a helpful list of definitions for some words which might, initially, be confusing. I could also think about how others suffer with their quest to be their authentic selves.
Here’s my first list (not all of these definitions originate with me) and I ask you for help in adding to it so that we can promote this new richness, this neo-understanding of just how special human beings really are.
Polysexual : someone whose parrot looks really frightened
Pansexual : a sexual attraction to kitchen items. Do not eat at this person's house.
Neutrois : a dyslexic person with neurosis
Trigender : someone who has tried all genders
Non-Binary : someone who rejects conventional labels but still likes to be labelled
Demigirl : a devastating condition in which someone is born with only half a vagina
Brintongender : someone who has a lot of excess baggage
Transphobia : saying 'no' to, or disagreeing with, a Trans Rights Activist (TRA)
Genderfluid : causes crusty patches on bed sheets
Cis-Het : an obscure ancient Egyptian deity
Heteronormative : a utopian society in which all Normans are allowed to be different
Aromantic : someone who loves perfume, but isn't so good at typing
Bidengender : in a word, shmurgleflurpzaarzaarbedangbedangnuttlethwipzeeeep
Trumpsexual : someone who is turned on by bad fake tans
Kamalasexual : genders working together to create togetherness by being together in togetherness, together
Pelosigender : a gender attracted to common household tools, like hammers
Zenogender : a gender attracted to Greek philosophers who enjoy paradoxes
Translucent : an exceptionally rare gender. A TRA who can articulate their ideas clearly
TERF : adult human female
Trans Umbrella : a helpful item when the weather transitions
Agender : a state of confusion when not knowing which of the 17,345 new genders to choose from
Neo-penis : the sexual equipment possessed by males in the matrix
Blue Pill : (for males) only take if it's sort of diamond shaped
Semiboy : someone who really needs to take the blue pill
Allosexual : a gender that won't reveal itself - as in “allo, allo, allo, what have we 'ere?”
Punsexual : someone attracted to terrible puns. Should be shot on sight for crimes against humour
We can all also do our part by supporting new movies such as the forthcoming
Let’s make 2023 the best year yet and support everyone in Zer gender journeys. You know it makes sense!
Although the person responsible for phrases like “my bad” or “I could care less” should be hung, drawn and quartered.
The maniacal gibberish spouted by the deranged is only possible during soft times. The times are transitioning from soft to hard, and people will have no time to hoot about their pronouns when they're concentrating on finding food and keeping warm.
I expect this lunacy to pass aver the next few years as the availability of gas, petrol, eggs, bread milk, beer etc becomes more...how do they say...problematic.
When you've been around as long as I have, and someone asks "How do you identify?" I just say "Old".