In the words of Douglas Adams :
“The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances in a few seconds; without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. As the Improbability Drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. In other words, you're never sure where you'll end up or even what species you'll be when you get there. It's therefore important to dress accordingly. The Infinite Improbability Drive was invented following research into finite improbability which was often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess' undergarments leap one foot simultaneously to the left in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy. Many respectable physicists said they weren't going to stand for that sort of thing, partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties.”
My new Theory of Woke™ attempts to explain the curious feeling we all have that we’re living in some kind of parody akin to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.
I now believe that, far from causing disastrous harm to society, the whole woke movement is really a clever step-by-step research program to create the infinite improbability drive.
It aims to achieve this by creating steadily more absurd and ridiculous theses. Reality, it is hoped, will break at some point and become infinitely improbable, and our path to the stars will open up before us and all prior qualms about “colonisation” will be ditched as we travel the universe in search of ET.
On the other hand, they could simply be a clueless bunch of insufferable buffoons.
More data is needed.
Data like this article (March 9th 2023), perhaps
We’ve had people claiming that gardening is, erm, ‘rooted’ in white supremacy1, that dairy food on school menus is racist, that the British countryside is racist2, that the music to Star Wars is racist34, that the very language we use (English) is steeped in white supremacy5, and so on. Even astrophysics is, apparently, mired in white supremacy and racism6.
Everything, everywhere, and always, is racist with infinite improbability - and it is this recent discovery that has so excited the woke scientists as they steadily increase the improbability threshold that society is willing to accept.
Covid wasn’t a hoax - it was a deliberate program to investigate how many absolutely batshit bonkers things a society would tolerate before collapsing in on itself. The experts were delighted to find that, because of covid, the improbability acceptability threshold in the UK has increased by a whopping 4,035.456% 7. That £400 billion spent, in the UK alone, on this experiment was money well-spent.
It is hoped that rather than simply spreading Arcturus, or the latest variant Dementicus, across the globe, pretty soon we’ll be able to spread it across the entire galaxy.
I’m sure my theory must be correct. The alternative, that people actually believe this woke shit, is too awful to contemplate.
How can one even conduct a meaningful conversation with someone whose grasp on reality is exceeded by that of a bowl of porridge?
This, then, is my problem. I simply don’t know how to communicate with people who hold infinitely improbable beliefs. I don’t hate them, I am just bewildered by them. It’s like they have a kind of Ideological Tourette’s where all this random and utterly deranged stuff just spews forth in a torrent of absurdity.
I really don’t know how to take any of it seriously, in an intellectual sense. How does one even bridge the gap with someone who thinks the sex binary was ‘created’ by (dead) European white men as a way to subjugate the noble (and presumably queer as fuck) people of alternative hue?
You can, for example, only stand back in a kind of disbelieving awe at the speed at which the pronoun fetish has taken off. I am always going to struggle with calling the ex-bodybuilder who’s built like Conan the Barbarian a ‘she’ should, erm, ‘she’ decide to ‘feel’ like a woman. But I would definitely draw the line at some pretentious arsehole who wants me to use fae and faeself pronouns.
Most days I have an implacable sense of unreality as I read more and more of this ‘woke’ shit. It’s gone beyond surreal now and into the realms of infinite improbability.
It can also cause heart attacks - so overall it’s best not to do it. Support health, and the noble People of Alternative Hue (POAH) by concreting over your gardens. Fuck all that lovely oxygen producing green stuff.
It was explained to me like this. The reason we see mostly white people taking country walks is that the rolling hills and gentle dales, the leafy lanes and pastures, are all secretly whispering racial epithets to any POAH who has the temerity to enjoy nature.
Almost all music is racist, except for styles like those that use a mostly tuneless fast and clever banter that talks about slapping bitches and killing cops.
Although some music is genuinely inspirational, like Cardi B’s powerful description of mopping up her pussy juices in her song WAP. This has been criticized as sustaining patriarchal expectations; why should that be the work of a woman?
Little did they realize it, but when the Anglo Saxons were first trying to figure out how to communicate the price of turnips, they were actually supporting and creating the racism we see today.
This is based on a study by Ferguson’s team so there’s some (very minor) doubt about its accuracy. Probably only the last digit is incorrect.
Honestly, this shit makes my head hurt. The best I can manage when dealing with these pukers of insanity is to simply ignore them. I simply cannot play into their mental illness.
Unfortunately, morality seems to be in danger of infinite improbability along with her sister truth. And, oddly, the main culprit may be the hegemony of what I consider to be a very dim-witted, childish “kindness.” It is very close, I think, to what the Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche called “idiot compassion,” so I will borrow from him and call it “idiot kindness.”
Lately I’ve been in two local elementary schools; in both, the halls are plastered with signs extolling this particular virtue. (This aligns with many of the bland suburban moms I know, who say their number one priority for the kids is that they are “kind.”) And yet no virtue stands alone. Why not dedicate a sign to honesty? Why not respect? Humility? Moderation? Forgiveness? Sincerity?
Without balance, “idiot kindness” is like a mother who pulls the trigger on her suicidal son. In more seemingly benign terms, it is the form at the pediatrician’s office that asks my teenager her preferred pronouns. It is refusing to hold young people to high standards because they appear to be of the phenotype that is associated with more recent, well known historical injustices. It is not telling your friend that he has spinach stuck in his teeth.