Covid - the disease that keeps on giving; giving us dim-witted busybodies who just can’t accept that humans are still alive in the face of the most unprecedented and deadly virus ever known to have escaped from a lab mutated from pangolins via raccoon dogs and the lesser-spotted screaming hairy armadillo1.
The latest x-spurter has spurted in The Sun - which, admittedly, doesn’t hold the highest reputation for accurate, fair, balanced, and objective reporting. It used to be quite good at reporting on breasts2 - but that’s about tit.
Sorry for the appalling punnery there. I will strive to do better.
It seems covid is upon us once again. It’s back with a vengeance. Be afraid - be very afraid (until disease X comes along).
The spurter in question, one Professor Peter Openshaw, who is described as a “virus expert” from Imperial College (which gets everything about viruses 100% correct), told The Sun that
We're going to see quite a major surge in infections over the coming weeks - the wave could be bigger than anything we've seen before.
It could be - but, then again, it might not be. It could also be better at figuring out when people are sitting down or standing up in places like bars and restaurants - but this has not yet been confirmed by Openshaw’s team of junior spurters at Imperial.
It’s gonna be a big wave - like a tsunami, or sumfin.
And what does The Sun tell us about the symptoms? Thankfully, they provide a helpful graphic.
This “devious” new strain can give you a headache, or a runny nose. It might even cause you anxiety. And if you notice any weakness in the groin area, then rush off to the ER immediately.
You see, it might not be just a cold. It might be
This new variant is devious like that - it tricks you into thinking it might just be a cold when it’s really covid.
Obviously, if it turns out your symptoms are really covid, and not just a cold, then you’ll have to take extra measures like resting your groin.
Openshaw tells us that the best way to avoid having a weak or tired groin is to wear a mask, but only if you haven’t had one of those booster things which worked brilliantly before.
To help stop the spread, those who haven't had the Covid booster should consider wearing face masks in public places, like on trains, when shopping and at large events
OK. I’ll do that. I’ll consider it. I won’t wear one of the useless fucking things - but I’m OK spending a microsecond or two considering it.
Considering it will have precisely as much effect as actually wearing one - which is to say none whatsoever.
He wasn’t the only Professor in London to be concerned. Prof Christina Pagel of UCL warned that
Unfortunately, it is likely that this JN.1 wave has not yet peaked and will peak mid-January, either next week or the week after. I am sure this wave will rival the first two Omicron waves in 2022 and might even exceed them
Translation : there’s going to be a lot of people with weak or tired groins - and maybe a runny nose. More tired groins than Omicron ever caused.
I won’t comment on the rest of the nonsense in the article but, basically, these spurters are warning that people are going to get cold symptoms - and maybe even
Anxiety, runny noses, tired groins, sore throats and even the threat of loooooooong covid - however will we survive the onslaught?
Get your new booster - I’m sure it has been tested on at least 3 mice and all of the manufacturing glitches have been ironed out so you won’t get injected with cancer promoting genetic contaminants. It has been specifically designed to target something - and is probably only a few variants behind the curve. But it will work fine, follow the science.
The Experts™ hath spurted.
The screaming hairy armadillo is real (not sure about the spots). I’m sure it must have been somewhere in the chain of improbable “natural” events that led to covid. Gotta be. Zillions of times more likely than a lab leak from a lab working on modified bat coronaviruses.
For those of you not aware, The Sun used to have something known as “page 3” which featured a beauty baring her bosom. This pretty much set the tone and standard for the rest of the rag.
These people need to be laughed at much more. Well done.
A scientist says....like Simon says.