Is Your Backside Thor?

It would seem that Thor’s mighty hammer has descended upon, or maybe ascended into, Paul Pelosi’s life.

The facts of the matter are not clear, and claim and counter-claim are being sprayed about with gay abandon.

Early reports indicated that the intruder who assaulted Mr Pelosi was a member of the vicious and notorious gang known as the Panty Pilferers who infiltrate people’s houses clad in only their underwear and perform heinous acts of DIY. They have also been known to burglarize Pharmacies in search of Viagra. These hardened criminals should be avoided at all costs. Their leader, Albert Thong, was unavailable to give us a briefs comment.

Some unconfirmed reports give credence to the home invasion version of events. Mr Pelosi is said to have felt quite aggrieved when he spoke to the paramedics: I wish he hadn’t come inside, he is reported to have said. This lends support to the notion of a backdoor invasion.

We are in no doubt that Mr Pelosi will be hammering away at all the back channels available to him to set the record straight again.

Other reports indicate that Mr Pelosi was able to bring the gavel down on proceedings and find temporary respite in his bathroom where he was able to call the police about this early morning disagreement over home improvements.

But other accounts disagree. The intruder, described by Mr Pelosi as “a friend”, is reputed to be a member of the ultra-extreme MAGA terrorist group. Their agenda of Making America Gay Again is one that has been sniffed at by Blo-Job Iden, who is said to be the renowned designer of Nancy Pelosi’s eyebrows. Mr Pelosi’s friend has been identified as “David” and it is thought he was one of the Insure Erectionists who tried to give democracy a shafting on Jan 6th.

Whatever the facts here, the spectacular failure of all 57 of the surveillance cameras at the Pelosi mansion is worrisome. The FBI are said to be working on whatever footage they can construct as we speak.

I apologize. I’m afraid this story is just too juicy (or should that be Jussie?) to ignore. We have to cock-a-snook at the absurdity of it all and the media response. The gossamer-thin sheath of secrecy will eventually give way to the upstanding tumescence of truth.

I quote Mr Bennett in my defence:

“But, Lizzy, you look as if you did not enjoy it.  You are not going to be missish, I hope, and pretend to be affronted at an idle report.  For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?” (Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice).

All vulgar schoolboy humour aside, I wish Mr Pelosi a speedy recovery. Being attacked by a hammer, for whatever reason, is not funny. If it turns out he was the victim of an early morning sexual liaison gone wrong, then I would not wish to sneer either. There’s no shame in the act itself - even if it did involve the imaginative use of hammers - only shame if it was hidden from his wife.

---