Can We Put Cuddle Curtain in the Corner?

Human beings can be decidedly odd creatures. Our various eccentricities range from the mild to the severe, from faintly amusing to full-on WTF.

Some minor ‘oddities’ also exist in the language we use. For example, if I am described as redoubtable does this mean I’ve become doubtable again? Or when you go to visit your parents and your dad tells you to “drive safely”. Thanks dad. I was planning to drive like an absolute dickhead until you said that.

My own predilection (the thing that happens before dilection) for word play and puns is a very minor oddity that, one hopes, is a bit of fun.

Other oddities are more consequential, however.

The old saying “there’s nowt so queer as folk” takes on an entirely different meaning in today’s world.

As we all know, there’s something known as Queer Theory - which doesn’t mean there’s something a bit queer (odd) about that theory you’ve just come up with - but is a part of the whole ‘critical social justice’ basket of ideas that are supposed to transform our societies into paradisiacal paragons of pulchritude.

The idea is basically that a society is built around ‘norms’ and, for some reason, these norms are bad and must be done away with. In order to reach the pinnacle of human evolution everything must be ‘queered’. Which rather begs the question of what happens when the queer becomes the norm? Do we have to do it all again and queer the queer back to the norm?

Some of our sexual behaviours are very odd. If my memory serves me correctly, which it often doesn’t, there was a week (quite some time ago now) where, in the UK, the newspapers reported on two cases of sexual misconduct that had come before the courts.

The first case was some guy who was being prosecuted for shagging a goat. Maybe the goat was more attractive than his missus. I don’t know. But he decided to have his way with his goat-to paramour at his allotment. At 8.30 in the morning. The problem was that the morning commuter train into London ran right past his allotment and so the passengers were treated to the spectacle.

Is not having sex with animals one of those ‘norms’ we want to do away with? Will we have to be instructed to “lock up your daughters and your goats”?

The second case was sadder and, if possible, even more strange. A guy was staying in a hotel and the maid opened the door to do the room service, and there he was having sex with his bicycle. This constituted a criminal offence of some sort and so he was up before the judge (and his bicycle).

This I have never understood. How does one, erm, have sex with a bicycle? Do you need KY Jelly or do you have to use WD40? Which bit goes in where? Generally speaking, unless I’m writing a piece like this, I try not to think about it - although I suppose when someone tells you they’re going Mounting Biking one should pay very close attention to the pronunciation.

I was never able to listen to that Queen song (3m 02s) in quite the same way after reading about this case.

Unless you live in places like San Francisco, you can generally assume that people are not going to shit on the streets. It’s another of those social ‘norms’ that are so restrictive. Why can’t we just be free to take a dump wherever we want?

Who gets to decide which ‘norms’ we keep and which we throw away?

It used to be a norm for guys not to squeeze their meat and two veg into a g-string and twerk in front of kids. Nowadays it’s all part of a great family outing.

But I want to go to the zoo, daddy, and see the giwaffes

Shut up Tinkerbell-Delilah-Rainbow - you’re going to have some rancid overweight queer guy stick their arse in your face, and you’re going to like it

Progressive Pops should have listened to his daughter, however. In the UK, Dawn Butler MP, is standing for chair of the UK's Science, Innovation and Technology Committee, and is currently backed by 20 MPs in that bid. Dawn is famous for many things, including the belief that children are not born with a sex, and that 90% of giraffes are gay.

You go, Science Lady.

Apparently, giraffes have been observed to exhibit ‘homosexual’ behaviours - the claim being that male giraffes more frequently indulge in a bit of same-sex naughtiness than they do with their female partners.

Personally, I think they’re just horny. Although we should also note they do have very deep throats.

You’ve probably all been there. You go round to your mates. He has a dog. You try to be kind and make a fuss of the mutt and before you know it the bloody thing is humping your leg. Does this mean some dogs are crurophiles?

If you think giraffes are bad, wait until you see what bonobos get up to. They’ve been known to indulge in tribe-wide free-for-alls that would put your average progressive polyamorist to shame.

The males of some species are, regrettably, somewhat over-focused on getting their rocks off. Females tend to be somewhat more discerning.

Doc, is it a boy or a girl?

We’ll have to wait and see if it tries to shag a lampstand in a dress

All of which, finally, brings me to the oddity of the day. It’s an old one, but well-worth remembering for what it says about us, a modern ‘rational’ species.

You may recall that a few years ago humankind stood on the brink of extinction. At least that’s the impression they tried to give. Nothing would ever be the same again. The old norms were gone and we’d have to get used to something called The New Normal™ which would happen right after we built back better.

Humanity, having survived for millennia, could no longer exist without masks, plastic screens, and gallons of sanitizing hand wash. Sex? Forget about that - you weren’t allowed to come (pun intended) within 6 feet of another human being.

Sure, you may be one of those guys who can produce an impressive fountain, but 6 feet? That’s certainly going some if you wanted to, you know, have one of those kids you could take to drag shows. I suppose it makes target practice a bit more fun.

Human contact was very much frowned upon, just in case you killed your grandmother because of it. If you wanted your prick to be delighted you would have to wait until the Prick of Delight™ had been shoved into you.

But people missed other people. Things like hugs were definitely not allowed. Until a morning TV show in the UK showed us how to do it safely.

It starts with a pair of wallies wearing masks. They’re socially distanced and so take them off. Their guests on the show are even more socially distanced, although Ant and Dec were allowed to get a bit closer to one another because, by that time, you could fearlessly get close to anyone in your defined bubble of up to 6 people.

I’m having difficulty believing I’m actually typing these words. But, yes, all of this did actually happen.

Philip and Holly, who were not bubble mates, weren’t allowed to hug and they missed it. But enterprising folk had come up with a great idea; the cuddle curtain. And so, with tears in our eyes, we watched as Phil and Hols were finally able to hug one another on live TV. Awwwwwww.

No, that isn’t a condom for a giraffe with 4 penises, but the cuddle curtain.

We did this. We really did this¹.

Forget shagging your bike - this is just oddity on steroids.

It reminds me of Marvin the Paranoid Android’s quote from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy :

Life? Don’t talk to me about life. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and what am I doing? Parking cars.

The quote is from ‘memory’ - so don’t quote me on that.

We have Shakespeare, Einstein, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Archimedes, too many to mention, and we have . . . . . Phil and Hols and the whole sorry covid saga.

Yeah, we’re fucking odd alright.

1. If you want (for some inexplicable reason) to watch the whole thing (5m 08s) you can find it here