The Black Friday Sale in Ukraine shows no sign of abating. The Russians turned up hoping to avail themselves of the great deals on offer (Biden one get one free type of deals) and have stubbornly refused to leave until they get their slice of the action.
Nobody seems to know exactly what’s going on over there, but billions are being spent in an effort to keep it all going. Whatever it is.
But rest assured, Ukraine, as the prime example of democracy in the entire world, needs our help and any money we have left over after paying for our electricity should really be going to help this democratic utopia that we in the west can only vainly hope to emulate.
Freeze your balls off folks - it helps in so many ways. We can save the planet, help Ukraine, and contribute to trans euphoria just by turning the thermostat down a degree or two.
Meanwhile, as we continue to do battle with all forms of pernicious privileges we have been reminded yet again that even the lowliest white person has privilege
David Attenborough this week announced the discovery of a new form of human. We’re not entirely sure what evolutionary adaptation this represents, but the colourful visage seems to be some kind of mating display.
Attenborough has been trying to film this new human, Draggus Erectus, in the act of mating but it appears that copulation is a rare event for this creature.
In the UK, ministers are dealing with the fallout from lockdown. Vibrator use skyrocketed during covid leading to a national shortage of batteries. Sir Pornfree Cumalot, junior minister for masturbatory affairs, said this week that “we’re introducing a new bill requiring all electronic sex devices to be rechargeable”. Critics pointed out that the charging infrastructure required does not exist and is unlikely to be in place before the ambitious emissions target set for 2030.
Governments are clamping down on conspiracy theorists. They’re the leading cause of death in the world said anti-anti-science campaigner Dr Peter Hotpants. This brave and dapper individual who wears his bow tie with pride, welcomed the announcement of the new programme which has been dubbed Just Stop Foil.
Nicola Sturgeon, the former First Minister of Scotland, expressed her disappointment this week at not being able to fully implement her progressive plans for Scotland. Her spokesman, Dick McTickler said that “the most pressing issue for Scottish people today is the lack of penises in women’s jails, and Nic unfortunately had to resign before she was able to properly undress this”
But she’s being celebrated in entertainment venues everywhere, as can be seen in this clip (1m 30s)
Scientists are jubilant over the recent approval of the new injection-free technique for delivering the necessary hormones to trans babies. It is hoped that the hormonally charged chest fluid, in all ways superior to breast milk, will become the new standard, thus avoiding having to inject the drugs necessary to affirm your trans baby on its gender journey.
There’s nothing quite like the milk of human kindness, is there?
In Europe it seems the French are enjoying the summer and having some fairly riotous street parties. President Macaroni was distraught at the over-zealous, and mostly peaceful, barbequing going on. “However am I going to face Klaus now that our carbon emissions have increased tenfold?” he is reported to have said.
In the US, the Supreme Court has finally decided that Asians can be allowed to attend university, despite embarrassing everyone else with their high scores. Previously they had been unable to attend because their success reflected badly on other students. The Babylon Bee reported on the scenes of jubilation as the decision was released.
Here at Riggery our brilliant team of one fat old grumpy git is dedicated to bringing you the most mature, objective, and reasonable take on the News anywhere on the planet.
You have nothing to lose but your sanity
This would have been funnier if the name Nicola Sturgeon weren’t so obviously made-up. Please try harder.
Ah, now I can finally rest, knowing you have things in hand, er, so to speak.