It was just over 2 years ago that the first person in the UK got some early Christmas stuffing. It was a cause for Pfestivity, and Bourla’s Brew became a firm favourite across the world. People’s hearts swelled, literally, as they lined up to save Granny, because the jab Granny received only worked if everyone else got it.
It was a miraculous time of discovery and decades of scientific understanding were reversed overnight as we realized that vaccines only work to protect the jabee when they’re surrounded by other jabees. This extraordinary psychic property of vaccines had hitherto remained undetected.
We were encouraged to get infused with this Christmas spirit - and it was said to be potent stuff at 95 proof. Sadly, as it turned out, it was a far less potent brew. It made people more susceptible. In alcohol terms, it was like a whiskey that sobered you up instead of getting you drunk.
Across the world, fit and healthy young men were clutching their chests and being rushed to hospital as their public duty overwhelmed them. In the US, colleges realized they were spending far too much on sports scholarships and so mandated everyone to get jabbed, in an effort to alleviate some of this financial burden.
Christmas is a time of excess - and this year will be no different as we add yet another month to the increase in excess mortality that has medics baffled and has stunned the media into absolute silence.
Are you depressed yet?
I am - and so, because it’s nearly Christmas, it’s time to practice our wordplay and puns as a kind of inoculation against those awful jokes we find in those obligatory instruments of Christmas torture fun; the Christmas cracker.
As we come to the end of the year - about 3 years since, in an act of charity, a lab in Wuhan shared its gain of function research with the rest of the world - many people are struggling with rising prices. I’ve no idea what the problem is. A can of beer costs the same today as it did back in 2020.
But, seriously, rising prices can be very dangerous
These last 3 years have seen a welcome proliferation of “studies” as the media dutifully report The Science™ to us.
But there have been some remarkable discoveries and inventions.
A lab in California developed a glass coffin. Will it be a commercial success? Remains to be seen.
And the folk in Barcelona who developed a new kind of door knocker have been nominated for a No-bell prize. I tried one the other day and some clown opened the door. It was a nice jester.
However, it was not all plain sailing for science. Asymptomatic transmission, much touted at the start of the pandemic, turned out to be an irrelephant in the room.
In an effort to use fewer metals, a precious natural resource, engineers made a car out of spaghetti. My mum didn’t believe me. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
These truly transformative developments remind me of when they first brought out a universal remote - “this changes everything”, I thought.
As we face global food shortages, we’re rising to the challenge. My local Indian restaurant is really inventive. I asked them what this new meal accompaniment was. It was not quite bread and not quite cake - it’s our new naan-binary bread, they told me.
We’ve had our food struggles over the last 3 years too. A man in my supermarket objected to me not wearing a mask and threw a block of cheese at me. How dairy, I fumed.
We should all be going Vegan because the sale of meat is disgusting, but I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
But food, particularly fruit, can bring heartache. It was the reason I broke up with my girlfriend. I didn’t appreciate her fruit humour enough and she was told to let that mango.
I love food, and have a fondness for Mexican food. So I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.
The Spanish language continues to be a source of inspiration
Efforts are underway to find the Spanish magician last seen on stage saying
“uno, dos, . . .”
He vanished without a trace.
As hard as the Spanish language is for me to get my tongue round, we must spare a thought for the world of professional tongue-twisting which suffered a setback recently. Only the other day, the world champion tongue-twister was arrested. I expect he’ll get a tough sentence.
Death and excess death is still with us. I lost my cousin earlier this year, I wasn’t particularly close to him - which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine.
At this time of the year I also fondly remember my Grandpa who died almost 10 years ago to the day. He was a remarkable man with the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Sadly, some of my favourite Christmas songs are no longer deemed to be acceptable
It’s important that we eliminate these old offensive and inappropriate songs from the playlist. There’s nothing quite like putting your Christmas tree lights up whilst twerking along to Cardi B’s Wet Ass Pussy - although some Christmas tree lights are definitely inappropriate in and of themselves
I know education has taken a bit of a knock the last 3 years but, even so, I was quite surprised to learn that some people don’t know what the word apocalypse means. We probably shouldn’t worry too much - it’s not the end of the world.
It is a reminder of the utility of a thesaurus. A thesaurus is great. There’s just no other word for it.
I feel sorry for those who have struggled to maintain educational standards during the covid era. Mind you, education and the care of kids has always been difficult. My own daughter got a criminal record whilst attending nursery at age 3. The police had to be called and she resisted a rest.
It’s the time of the year to be charitable. The other day I passed a guy rambling away to himself on the street. I felt sorry for him and asked him how he was. I think I got the gist of his answer. He was fired from his job I think - but really he made no cents.
Maybe he used to work for Twitter.
As Noel Musk yeets the tweets and suspends people off twitter for various things like doxxing, it’s as well to remember that
A sobering lesson indeed. But we can all forget about it as we relax and enjoy the output from places like Netflix and Disney
Who can pass up on Netflix’s new spectacular offering?
We also shouldn’t forget Amazon’s great effort to re-kindle interest in Tolkien. But anyone who has read The Lord of The Rings struggled to make sense of it as so much just didn’t ‘vibe’ with the great man’s work. Perhaps the show was made for a different audience
and even DIY suppliers got in on the act
Talking of DIY, I had to go to the doctor’s the other day. A book fell on my head. I have only myshelf to blame.
And so, it’s nearly time to make an exit through the door of Christmas oblivion. Choose your poison - the Bourla Brew or a finely crafted brandy. Both will possibly lead to oblivion. Choose wisely.
I am genuinely sorry for these puns and wordplay - but we all need our immune systems priming before opening up those crackers.
Just remember, there are inventive ways to keep those bad cats from wrecking your Christmas
Merry Christmas and thanks for all your wit and wisdom over the last year. It’s always good to start my day with a little wit, wisdom and some godawful puns! May 2023 be saner, healthier, more prosperous and ‘funner’ than recent years. And may God heap blessings and protection over you and your family.
We need all the laughs we can get. Merry Christmas!