The title is mostly a lie, although I will be talking about nuts.
As most of you will be aware, there are various chaz-style protests going on at some universities in the US where students are ‘occupying’ portions of their campuses and thereby hoping to free Palestine.
I have no problem with them protesting1. Although I do tend to prefer Israel’s version of the main slogan, which is Free Palestine (from Hamas).
I do find it interesting that few topics arouse such passion as the Israel/Palestine conflict. I’m not entirely sure why that is although I suppose we could make some educated guesses. It’s not like there are no other conflicts going on to get one’s right-wing, or progressive, knickers in a twist about.
There have been an estimated 600,000 civilian casualties in the Syrian civil war, for example, but nobody seems overly concerned about that. If you’re playing the numbers game, as the pro-Palestine lobby seems to like doing, then the Israel/Gaza civil war seems somewhat benign in comparison.
The Russians are coming in quite respectably with only around an estimated 11,000 civilian casualties in Ukraine. That’s probably not quite enough to build a few tent cities on university campuses.
The attack by the Japanese on Pearl Harbor in 1941 caused the deaths of around 2,400 military personnel (including 68 civilians). The subsequent response by the US has been estimated to have killed up to around 1,000,000 Japanese civilians.
Why was the US allowed to make such a disproportionate response, I wonder?
You could play the numbers game with 9/11 too. Compare the number of civilian casualties in the initial attack with those of the subsequent response. Indeed, the second Iraq war was largely predicated on projected future civilian deaths caused by Saddam’s alleged stockpiling of WMD’s.
I’m not trying to make light of the human costs here, they have been terrible in both Israel and Gaza, I’m pointing out the futility (and absurdity) of trying to indulge in strictly numerical comparisons. War is a thing we’d all like to see never happen again2.
Each ‘side’ in a war will have their own “justifications” for what they do. Presumably nobody starts one of these things thinking they’re doing the ‘wrong’ thing from within their own specific cultural context. And aren’t we all supposed to be for cultural relativism these days anyway3?
Anyway, it’s OK for students to get all hot and bothered about some issue, however misguided we might think they are. Sometimes they’re right to be angry.
But very much in the ‘alternative’ news this week has been a video of a protester’s spokesperson4 demanding “humanitarian aid” from their university.
As far as I can make out, the angry agitators have set up an enclave on their campus. Admittance to the enclave is, I believe, allowed if you can pass the right ideological purity test. I think it must work a bit like those covid apps where you had to show the green tick on your phone to be allowed entrance. Showing a meme that calls for death to Zionists would probably get you to the front of the queue.
But these brave campers are getting hungry and thirsty. Apparently, the university is not allowing food to be shipped in to these holiday camps. One assumes they don’t want their beautiful quads to be turned into some shithole like the parts of some cities we’ve seen pictures of.
The angry campers are too dedicated to their cause, and enjoying the board games and nail painting facilities that have been provided for them, to leave the confines of their protest zone. If they did that they would find the campus facilities5 still open, and they might even be able to get their regular slice of avocado toast and bottle of Evian.
I assume the students don’t want to leave Billy No Mates holding the fort whilst the rest of them trot off to the canteen, and that their minds are too distressed right now to organize some kind of rota system.
Whatever the reason for their reluctance to leave Camp Righteous might actually be, the consequence, according to Spokesperson Supreme, is that they’re in danger of dying from dehydration and malnutrition and that it’s the university’s duty, no less, to supply humanitarian aid - or at least allow the Red Cross in. Or something like that.
I do kind of wonder whether these protesters are paid Zionist shills, because I suspect it’s having the effect of diminishing respect for their supposed cause. It’s a case of “these people are telling me x, y and z about the Israel/Palestine conflict, but these people are also fucking morons”.
Anyway, all of this pre-amble leads me into what I really wanted to talk about today; the intellectual prowess of Spokesperson Supreme. Here she is sporting the Keffiyeh of Conviction to demonstrate her solidarity with the cause - although it has to be said it’s nowhere near as impressive as the one the man/woman/thing (who knows these days - and we shouldn’t assume) behind her has. I reckon this doubles as his tent because, being a student, he probably can’t afford one.
But we shouldn’t be judging a book by its cover, or its Keffiyeh. Spokesperson Supreme is not just an ordinary student, she’s a graduate student. She’s doing a PhD. She passed through the intellectual rigours of a first degree, and has been tempered in the fires of academia. She is one of the worthy few deemed smart enough to progress to a chance of obtaining the Holy Accreditation of a doctorate.
We have high hopes for her upon learning this. Is she, perhaps, investigating ways to make solar panels more effective by looking at plant photosynthesis? Maybe she’s looking into a new treatment for Alzheimer’s?
No, she’s applying a Marxian lens to the understanding of Romantic poetry written between 1760 and 1860. What, you may ask, is that all about? Look no further, because it’s all explained in her bio
I can’t wait for her thesis. Really, I’m super stoked. It’s going to be a best-seller.
I’m joking. I reckon her thesis is going to be wandering as lonely as a cloud, read only by herself, her supervisor, and the poor sods they bring in to do the examination.
I feel short-changed. My PhD was in a boring technical discipline. I didn’t even know one could get a doctorate in stuff like this. I want to go back and do another one. My initial thesis proposal will be
Masturbation and Lego; a Post-Modern Analysis of the Relationship Between the Development of Erotic Fantasies and Construction Toys
Or maybe
A Cuticle Too Far; the Rise of Nail Clipping as a Tool of Colonialist Oppression in Sumatra Between 1832 and 1871
As I’m a big Jane Austen fan I could probably also go for
A Post-Marxian Analysis of Embroidery in Jane Austen’s Novels
To be fair, I do feel like a bit of a philistinic schmuck for dissing some academic pursuits like this. If the Marxian interpretation of the ear wax sculptures of the Eastern Amazon6 are your thing, then go for it.
But does this not indicate just how non-oppressive our Western societies really are? We ‘allow’ the very best and brightest (allegedly) to spend years of their lives studying something that, in all likelihood only they (or a very, very few) would find interesting, let alone useful.
It’s probably no wonder that she’s demanding other people cater to her needs (as opposed to simply going to the canteen), as she’s quite possibly never had to work to make ends meet in quite the same way as people in other places. If you’ve ever had the opportunity to see real poverty on your travels - good, decent, hardworking people living in conditions you simply would not believe if you’ve come from our privileged oh-so ‘oppressive’ societies, you might end up with a different perspective on life.
I don’t have the answers to fixing some of the world’s real problems. I’m pretty sure a proposed solution with the word Marx in it would be even more of a disaster.
Maybe the Spokesperson Supreme should be on her knees thanking whatever power of the universe has allowed to her to be born in such a blessed territory and time where she can pursue her passion for exploring poetry using a particular political philosophy and that allows her to have a bit of a break by doing a spot of camping on campus.
The fact that she can demand other people to feed her and her fellow protestors, the expectation that this demand will be met, the conviction that this demand is right and important, speaks of unspeakable privilege. She expects others to indulge her.
The problems in the Middle East are long-standing, complex, and, at least ideologically, somewhat intractable. There are no ‘easy’ answers that are both humane and practical given the context and passions. Yeah, sure we could just say “Israel should do this” or “Hamas should do this” - which is like a solution to burglary that says “burglars shouldn’t do it”. Not all that practical a solution, really.
We need serious (and adult) people to do their best to resolve this ungodly mess.
I do not see Spokesperson Supreme as an example of a serious person. You can make your own mind up about the maturity.
Protesting is fine. The form that protest takes may not be quite so fine.
Unless you’re working for the defence industry in which case wars are jolly good things and much to be desired.
To be read with an air of resigned sarcasm
I am assuming this person identifies as human. If it does not, then I profoundly apologize for mis-speciesing them.
Which makes me curious about other necessary facilities. I suppose, as they’re not eating or drinking, they don’t need too many porta-potties.
This was, of course, meant to be a joke but, as ever, reality has a way of intruding. A quick search reveals that you can actually buy things like necklaces made from ear wax. Yes, really.
My first thought when I saw the video was - OMG, that chick totally blew up all her future employment prospects.
And then I read her thesis title and asked - what future employment prospects?!
Also:
1. Those who pursue a serious PhD probably don't have time for this shit. They're busy, you know, studying and researching.
2. I beg to differ about this lady's thesis - I'm pretty sure people can't wait to read it now, if only out of morbid curiosity. No such thing as bad publicity, as they say.
Love it. To sum up, admission to the enclaves requires only that you wear some tacky scarf that looks more like a Mid-century modern tablecloth on your head or around your neck. They have not figured out yet that that the scarf makes it easier to grab and choke them. Also, it helps if you are completely divorced from reality and believe someone is going to take your counterproductive efforts seriously and give you a job in the real world. Her parents have been swindled.